From Joy to Sorrow to Grief to Peace
Story behind my sons death
written 2007
My Son after battling depression for several years grew worse in 2005. For many years my son had suffered a lot of emotional trauma, mostly stemming from the fact that his biological father wanted nothing to do with him. We also suspected that my son might have been sexually molested, by the same teenager who had molested my daughter when she was six making my son eight at the time. There had been much pain throughout his life. For years my son was diagnosed as being depressive. Shortly before his death I realized that he was being diagnosed wrong by the psychiatrist. After talking to several friends who had loved ones who were bipolar, I decided to do some research of my own and talked to his therapist. I soon discovered that he showed all symptoms of being bi-polar, but by that time he had gone too far down hill to get help and being that he was 19 and no longer qualified for Medicaid and we had no insurance and no money, we were unable to continue therapy. The year of 2005 became much worse for him because he had failed at school, at jobs, and relationships. He never graduated and soon tried to go to a special school to get help as to graduate to which that did not help. It was at this school he met some other teens that introduced him to some bad people who would end up destroying his life. Because of poor choices and who he associated with, caused him to be arrested on 4 felony charges 2 of them assault, although we had evidence that he was innocent, and witnesses to prove that he had nothing to do with the assault, and one of the persons who was in the car during the assault said he would testify that my son was not any where near the assault. But the witnesses did not want to come forward because they did not want to get their drug dealer friend in trouble so they never helped my son. My son feared of having to spend time in jail because no one believed him and his public defender was not supporting him. So with depression, court, many issues with a girlfriend, his life had become worthless for he could not finish school he had a hard time working, his biological dad wanted nothing to do with him and he felt so alone, this all tore him up.
In 2005 my son tried to take his life by over dosing on pills to which the hospital said he shouldn’t have lived but God woke him up. It was then that my son wrote a song and wrote some poetry that talked of his emotions and the pain he was in and how he pleaded for help. He felt that all of his friends had abandoned him. My son in summer of 2006 was physically assaulted by some other guys who disliked him and he had to go to the hospital for a possible concussion, and later threats were made to him, all because some ones girlfriend liked my son.
In 2006, about a month prior to his death one of his friends shot himself, it broke my son's heart. During that time a lady in my church told me to take my son to the Salvation Army that they would help him. But that night I had went to sleep and had a dream and God told me to love my son to care for him, to not get angry with him because of his bi-polar and that I did not have much time with him. The following day I told this to my husband and we focused on loving Johnathan, he even sat down on a Wednesday night with us and played a family game with us, and he had so much fun, he was filled with joy. It was so wonderful to see a smile on his beautiful face.
Two weeks later, August 9th, 2006, I dropped my son off at work in the morning, he was sad and depressed, for he was going through some stuff with his girlfriend who wanted to break up with him again. That afternoon, when I picked him up, he was so happy because his best friend had asked him to be best man at his wedding which took place September 2007. That evening before I went to work I went downstairs to talk to my son. He was extremely sad and very depressed. He did not want to tell me why. I knew he was fighting with his girlfriend and later found out that she threatened to break up with him again. (by the way I DO NOT blame his girlfriend in any way) I told him to pray, to have faith and that I still loved him. His words to me before I left were, "I love you to mama". When I came home from work that night I went downstairs to show him tickets of a show in town. He was not on the couch. I turned around and saw him hanging in his room and that was when my life changed. I was a zombie for days.
The Night it happened word got out on cell phones all over Lincoln, Nebraska and hundreds of teens showed up at the hospital and my pastors wife prayed with so many there. The following day a couple of girls showed up with sympathy and a surprise. They had already started the plans and design to sell a T-Shirt with my son’s photo and name on it to raise money. The Friday following his death a large group of teens took my husband and I and my daughter to my son’s favorite spot on the lake to celebrate his memory. The day after the funeral more than 200 teens showed up at my house for a special candlelight service that they had planned and put together themselves. The funeral itself...well there were more than 400 people there and 3/4 of them were teens. My son touched so many lives and hearts and I never knew how important he was to everyone until that day.
After his death, we were told by the person who did his autopsy that my son had zero percent body fat, that he had been starving himself, we were also told that he may have had the start of lung cancer, or emphysema. I do not blame my son for the sins he committed, for I know that because of his pain, that he had made wrong choices and those wrong choices were because of his bipolar for he was incapable of making good choices. I believe that the heavenly Father has cleansed his heart from all sin and that I will see my son in heaven.
Since his passing, the Lord has been awesome to me. A week after he passed away, I remember sitting in the car at my husbands work waiting for him to get off work. It was raining and while sitting there a song came on the Christian radio station called "HELD" by Nathalie Grant. I cried and in my heart I asked “why?” I was silently pleading, crying out for mercy. When I opened my eyes, the rain had stopped and right in front of me was a beautiful DOUBLE rainbow. I knew then the Lord was with me and always will be and that he was caring for me. Since then so much has happened. The Lord is continuously working through me and through faith and hope I will survive.
Since my sons death I have been writing poetry that describes my pain, trials and tribulations as well as my praises to God and all the beautiful things he has shown me.
You can read my poetry at http://scnwd.com/Poetry
I also have a memorial site that I designed in my son’s memory and can be viewed at http://scnwd.com/MySon and I have set up a special website to support others through their grief and that link is http://memorialsngriefsupport.scnwd.com
Let me share a couple testimonies since my sons death…..
July 3rd 2007
First let me say that since my son passed away August of 2006, the Lord has been showing himself to me in everything all around. He's constantly been there to remind me that He cares and that I am treasured. Since my sons death I have opened my heart to the Lord and have been working on worshiping Him more. Since August the Lord has shown Himself to me through things of nature and answered prayers and talents. July 3rd was different. Since my son’s death, my marriage had undergone much damage and pain and the stress of losing a child had only worsened the many problems. A medical company is suing us on top of thousands of dollars in hospital and dental fees because of no insurance and living at poverty level. I recently had to sacrifice a tooth (extraction) because I could not afford a root canal. In 2007 I had became ill and was sick for 3 months. I have been tried over and over.
Every time another trial came I would panic and place my Lord on the back burner, but then He would place a smile on my face by showing me something, for instance the clouds that I saw while meditating on my porch. One of the clouds looked just like a puppy dog playing, as I saw it, I smiled and gave thanks, or the rain that fell to wash my tears away.
July 3rd was different, I was tired had to get up at 2 am to deliver a Wednesday paper, so I went to bed early. I tried to sleep but found it hard to, due to fireworks going off in the neighborhood. I lay in bed and finally fell asleep. I started to dream but my dream was interrupted buy a facial image, a shadow image of a face. Then I heard a voice, loud and firm say, "I am the God the Almighty", I then felt something enter me and immediately woke up and had goose bumps all over. I was somewhat bewildered as to what just happened, and at that instance I realized I had forgotten to say my prayers and talk with my Lord. I had forgotten my father! So I had a talk with my father before falling back to sleep.
Since that night I have felt a sense of peace. I have been able to forgive and forget and move forward and trust in the Lord to get us through our financial and marital trials. I have been able to write poems again for He has inspired me. I believe the Lord firmly spoke to me to let me know that He has not left me.
July 4th following my experience I was inspired to share the Lords presence in a poem I wrote called, "Glimpses of You" and you can find it on my poetry site.
Never lose faith for our Savior reigns and is always by each and every one of our sides, all we have to do is open our heart to see Him.
Always talk with Him as I do, even if it’s in the car or in the bathroom, just say, "I love you Jesus" and He will hear.
___________________
December 29th, 2007
I went to bed, and unable to kneel for prayer due to bad knees, laid in my bed and talked with my Jesus as I usually do I began as I always do with, “I love you father” then I continued with thanking him for everything, a detailed list I had, I even thanked him for the negative things in my life. As I was doing this my mind wandered a bit to the word “treasure” and I knew then that my greatest treasure awaits for me in heaven, so I thanked the Lord for this and told him that I may not have riches here and may suffer financially and then I asked him to prepare my heart that I may enjoy my treasure in heaven. I then thought of my son and asked the Father to forgive him for his sins and how I wish to see him in heaven as well. I began to fall asleep during my talk with the Lord, and began to dream. As I did, I saw in my vision, that I sat in the corner of a room and across from me I could see a face that looked like to be my sons gentle face. His face quickly disappeared and then I saw another face, which looked like my sweet mother (she passed away when my son was two). Then her face disappeared and another face that I could not see, but a shadow of, gave me great peace and assured me these were my treasures that I will see. While I lay there in a so-called sleep, I felt a smile that was bigger than ever form on my face. I then awoke and thanked my Father for assuring me and for giving me peace and Hope. I know that whenever I look to the Lord for answers He is with me and assures me in His way.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|